When I was 14, I had a crush on a popular boy in my class. A big crush. A HUGE crush. It felt like my heart burst every time I thought about him, and when I saw him my breath would catch. We were both in band and drumline, and our moms were friends, so I wasn’t exactly crushing from afar. We were friends, and I took full advantage of it. This was around the time my mom was pushing me to think about attending a private high school instead of the public, which would’ve meant leaving all my friends. It would’ve meant leaving him. Being the rebellious teenager I was, I refused to go. I thought I was absolutely, positively in love with him.
But, like most teenage romances, there were two things wrong with him. 1, he had a girlfriend. And 2, he was straight. Or so I thought. See, one day, at a band competition no less, he started telling our friends he thought he was bisexual. As if that wasn’t enough to make my heart thump out of my chest, he was saying that it was because of me. He LIKED me. And because of ME, he and his girlfriend decided to take a break.
For the next two weeks, my dreams came true. We talked, we wrote in notebooks about each other and exchanged them. The entrance exam for the private high school was in a month or so, and I decided to purposely fail the exam so we could go to school together. All my friends knew. Everyone knew he had a crush on me. I knew girls were jealous, and I loved it. I basked in every single minute of it. I was ecstatic, floating in air and sailing through skies of giggles and butterflies in my stomach.
Then, almost as sudden as it began, it ended.
He went back to his girlfriend, who still wanted to fight me. The jealousy glares turned into sympathy stares. I was free falling from the sky with no parachute, and I felt like someone had ripped out my heart and tore it apart, stomped on it and then shoved it back inside. I couldn’t bear to go to school, because that meant seeing him. I couldn’t bear to go to band or drumline rehearsal, because that meant having to work with him. I avoided parties, because I didn’t want to force myself to smile in front of him. I was destroyed. I went through the next few weeks in a haze. I finally forced myself to go to a party, to ease my mom’s mind, and of course, there he was. Despite my attempts to avoid him, I was cornered. He said he wanted to talk. The rest of the party, the rest of the world sort of just faded away. So we talked.
As it turns out, he wanted to talk about what happened at the band competition when he told me he liked me. He and his girlfriend were having problems, he explained. He needed to get her attention. And what better way to get your girlfriend’s attention than to tell her you have feelings for someone else? Not just anybody else…but someone of the same sex? Why make a splash when you can make a tidal wave, right? In this case, it was a monsoon. And I was the city it was about to destroy. It was all a lie. Everything, the notes, the words. None of it held truth, and the tape holding my heart together fell apart and it was broken again. This time, the pieces were even smaller. I thought it would be impossible to put it back together again.
At the peak of my teen angst, came exam day.
I poured every single tear, every single rip in my heart into that exam. Going to a different school would mean I would never have to see him. It would mean starting over. It would mean leaving all my friends, but at least I would be away from him. And you know what happened, baby girl?
I got in.
I left my heart in junior high. And I went to a brand new school, away from all my friends. I spent my first day of high school eating lunch in the boy’s bathroom.
Some people said I was crazy; changing my life for a boy. Leaving everything I knew, leaping out of my comfort zone just because my heart was broken. But what I really did was move on. I’ve made a lot of bad, spontaneous decisions in my life, but I knew deep in my bones that this was one for the better.
High school is where God found me.
My dad didn’t protect me from my very first heartbreak, and he wasn’t there to pick up the broken pieces. But my Father? He was there in every single tear, in every single sleepless night. In every sad love song, and in every crack in my heart, because the only way for Him to consume my whole heart was for him to break down the walls guarding it first.
Love is everywhere around you, my dear. In every star that burns in the night and in every flower that blooms from the ground. In every smile, and if you look hard enough, in every tear. You might not want to tell me everything, but remember that while my arms are always an available haven for you to take refuge, God holds your heart in His hands. Immerse yourself in the love of Christ, my child. Be so in love with Him that any boy who even thought about courting you would have to know and Love Him first.
Also remember to look for blessings, even in the worst of times. If I was praying for a way to get over this boy, God wasn’t going to make my feelings dissipate overnight. He gave me the opportunity, and I took it. It was His invitation. It pains me to know that I won’t be able to fend off every boy who falls for you, no matter how much I try to scare them, but I only pray that one day you’ll find the man who will sprint toward Christ by your side. Not behind you, or in front of you. Beside you.
“Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine…It’s your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of His victory.”
—- 1 Peter 1:6-7
I love you so much already. I’m already praying for you.
Thank you for your message!
First of all, thanks, the compliment means a lot. But I’m not striving to be inspiring, I strive to have others be inspired by Christ. (But I don’t want it to seem like I’m rejecting your compliment…because I’m not! Haha)
In the CCC, it says:
Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection. (CCC 2359)
To be straightforward (ha ha), I believe I’m called to live a chaste life. I believe we’re all called to live a chaste life, regardless of our sexuality, gender, or even whether we’re single, dating, or married. Even married persons are called to a chaste union.
As for me getting married, I don’t think that’s my calling. This is something that I’m struggling with, I’ll be honest. It’s difficult to comprehend and fully embody the single vocation in today’s society at my age. But I don’t feel called to married life because I understand that marriage between man and woman is a beautiful union, in which new life is created through sex. Knowing that homosexual acts close the gift of life, I pray for the grace and virtue of self-mastery. I wouldn’t want to commit myself to marriage not wanting to have sex, because in marriage, we are called to give ourselves fully to our spouse. I could not look at my spouse, experience the beautiful God-given Sacrament that is marriage, and then not give all of myself to him.
My heart belongs to Jesus. I have no idea what God has in store for me; and it may not be what I want but ultimately, it will be what I need. I am constantly praying that I may be who I am called to be, but first and foremost, I am a son of God.
It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness;
He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you;
He is the beauty to which you are so attracted;
it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise;
it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life;
it is He reads in your hearts your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.
It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal."